This past weekend I, Debbie, was able to go my district's Ladies' Retreat in Alexandra, Minnesota.  I really enjoyed myself.  They brought in a speaker who had us looking at the Woman at the Well (John 4:26) the entire weekend.  God taught me a number of things about myself and the relationship I have with God. 

The first thing God talked to me about was how I was holding onto the hurts different family members had done to me.  I had given the entire mess over to God a number of times, but I found on Friday that it was back in my lap.  With it back in my hands, I also realized that I didn't trust those around me with my thoughts and feelings, even though I knew in my head that I was surrounded by friends who loved and cared for me.  I need to be more open with everyone around me and speak my mind more often.

God helped me realize that a reason He was allowing me to be hurt by my family was so that I would know how He feels when I don't want to be close to Him.  The speaker told us that Jesus wants to get close to us, and he's always trying to do so even when we shut him down.  The amazing thing is how Jesus doesn't get discouraged by our unwillingness to be near Him, and that is because of His great love for us.

God also talked to me about how I felt about reading His Word.  For years I have kind of despised God's Word, which also leaves me feeling guilty about even feeling this way.  I would try my best to read a chapter here and there, but it was a huge chore.  I longed to desire to read the Word, like I knew many Christians did, but I didn't know how to want to want to read the Bible.  God helped me remember that the reason I despised His Word was because growing up, it was used as a punishment.  So, reading the Bible had a lot of negative feelings attached to it. 

The big thing we talked about last weekend was being intimate with God.  We all long to be close to God, but sometimes we've been holding on to our hurt for so long that we're afraid to give it to God.  We are afraid that God's best for us will hurt too much.

One last thing she said that hit me hard was "Inspiration without expression often leads to depression".  It is so true.  When I was a teenager and in college, I was very passionate about everything I did.  Everyone who knew me, knew that I enjoyed life to the fullest.  But, ever since this mess with my family started I stopped expressing myself like that.  I was still getting inspired, but I didn't express myself like I did before.  This past year, with that piled on the absent of Josh, the feelings of abandonment from my family, and feeling distant from God... I have felt more depression this year than I have my entire life.

I say all this to share when I've been and to show you the breakthroughs I've made in only a few days.  Sunday evening I sat down to look at my schedule to make time to read the Bible.  Monday, I sat down and read the entire book of 1st Peter and I enjoyed it.  Tuesday, 2nd Peter.  Wednesday, 1st John.  I haven't enjoyed reading the Bible like this ever in my life!