Am I Good Enough?

There isn't a time growing up that I didn't feel like an outsider.  I have always had dozens of people that I called my friends, but that didn't keep me from feeling inadequate or keep me from trying to prove to myself that I belonged in my group of friends.  I don't know why I felt this way because I know now that many of my friends really did just accept me for who I was... or am.

I was never enough.. never enough for myself, really.  I know God has tried to show me how enough I was through Him, but I could never see it for myself, or I just didn't believe God.  I had a problem taking God, or anyone for that matter, at His or their word. I always thought that they didn't mean what they said or they would have said horrible things to me sooner or later.  They never did, by the way.

You'd think that these feelings of inadequacy would escape me when I entered college, but they didn't.  Year after year, I'd have my friends that I'd hang with and be watching some other friend's group and be jealous. I'd even see pictures of my friends hanging out and be jealous, I think I still am sometimes. Pictures can be like that though, they can make you feel like you're really missing out, but when you're in the picture you don't remember it being "one of your best memories".

In college I changed friends group seemingly every year for this very reason: feeling inadequate and getting tired of proving myself to people who didn't really care.  They cared about me, but not about me proving myself because I didn't need to prove myself to them.  It wasn't until I met 4 girls that I didn't feel this way.  When I think of it now, I'm a little surprised because these girls weren't people that I was jealous of when they were having fun without me.  I didn't feel like I had to prove myself to them.  I finally felt free to be me and know that they liked me that way.  It was when I met them that I started to believe how worthwhile I was.  

suppose the reason it surprises me is because of how we became friends.  One of the girls and myself had a crush on the same guy, so I didn't really think about being friends with her until one night she wanted a partner to dance in the rain with.  I liked being out in the rain, so I offered to go, all intending to talk about anything but him. Lo and behold, he's who we talked about.  Who knew that fighting over a man would bring two girls closer together and create life-long friends?  I look at the pictures of me with these fantastic girls and I do remember them as some of my best memories.